Thoughts

As she stood in the classroom where she would be teaching for the next nine months - her classroom - she looked around and saw much more than Kindergarten chairs and tables, more than a teacher's desk and newly covered bulletins. In her mind's eye she saw the many decisions she had made in her life that had brought her to this place, the small and large interventions from God that had pointed her in this direction, and the many tender mercies placed in her path, giving her the strength to continue moving forward despite the doubt and confusion that so often seemed to darken her mind. She remembered the past eight months of anxiety, of questioning whether she had made the correct decision to move so far away from family and friends.

She had never thought of herself as particularly adventurous, always hiding her envy of others' bravery behind a mask of confidence that she never truly felt. How many times had she watched her friends move fearlessly forward into the unknown? How often had she seen them, arms wide open, ready to embrace whatever future adventures awaited?

If she was truly honest with herself she would admit that it was probably fear keeping her safe in the "comfortable," safe in the "known". But fear of what?

Fear of failure? Fear of losing the past?

She looked around her classroom once more before turning off the light and heading for home. The walk down to the train station was hot and humid. She still hadn't gotten used to that. When the train arrived she hopped on, making sure to sit on the side that would give her the best view when they came over the bridge. And sure enough there it was; the city she had come to call home. The Jefferson Memorial was always the first thing she could see as the train sped out of the tunnel. At the moment it was almost hidden behind the trees. But she knew where to look. It was, after all, one of her favorite views of the city. There were times, in other seasons, that the trees were bare and the Monument stood alone, visible for all to see. She liked it hidden. It seemed somehow more romantic that way. Just behind it stood the Washington Monument, one of the most recognizable structures on the D.C. horizon. Tall and strong, it always reminded her of a sentinel, placed there to protect the city. She made sure to look up towards the north, trying to spot the National Cathedral. It never failed to surprise her how far away the Cathedral looked. Did she really travel that far everyday to get to school?

As the train ducked back into the tunnel on the other side of the Potomac she was once again lost in thought. Maybe being adventurous didn’t mean not being scared. Maybe it just meant being willing to take that one step forward. She still didn’t feel like her life was glamorous, or particularly exciting, but she also knew that if she had been listening about it from someone else she would have found it thrilling, found them brave and adventurous!

At that moment she felt a rush of many emotions sweep over her. Inadequacy: what was this young, inexperienced, Westerner doing on the East Coast? Thrill: she had made it this far on her own! Calm: peace, reassurance, stillness, joy. She was going to make it. School would start, kids would fill the classroom, and she would be there, taking another step into the unknown with the knowledge that everything would be just fine.